{"id":899,"date":"2026-05-27T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-05-27T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/?p=899"},"modified":"2026-05-27T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2026-05-27T11:00:00","slug":"what-should-i-do-if-i-cant-overcome-my-fear","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/?p=899","title":{"rendered":"What should I do if I can&#8217;t overcome my fear?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><\/p>\n<div id=\"wwwthecut-zephr-anchor\" data-editable=\"content\">\n<div class=\"lede-image-wrapper feature vertical has-secondary-area-component\">\n<div class=\"image-wrapper\">\n            <picture><source media=\"(min-resolution: 192dpi) and (min-width: 1180px), (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2) and (min-width: 1180px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/pyxis.nymag.com\/v1\/imgs\/879\/529\/9e515bd8e38fbabe0d37455fa25acb5d92-where-does-it-hurt-column-15-final-portr.2x.rvertical.w570.jpg 2x\" width=\"570\" height=\"712\"\/><source media=\"(min-width: 1180px) \" srcset=\"https:\/\/drouki.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/What-should-I-do-if-I-cant-overcome-my-fear.jpg\" width=\"570\" height=\"712\"\/><source media=\"(min-resolution: 192dpi) and (min-width: 768px), (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2) and (min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/pyxis.nymag.com\/v1\/imgs\/879\/529\/9e515bd8e38fbabe0d37455fa25acb5d92-where-does-it-hurt-column-15-final-portr.2x.rvertical.w570.jpg 2x\" width=\"570\" height=\"712\"\/><source media=\"(min-width: 768px)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/drouki.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/What-should-I-do-if-I-cant-overcome-my-fear.jpg\" width=\"570\" height=\"712\"\/><source media=\"(min-resolution: 192dpi), (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2)\" srcset=\"https:\/\/pyxis.nymag.com\/v1\/imgs\/879\/529\/9e515bd8e38fbabe0d37455fa25acb5d92-where-does-it-hurt-column-15-final-portr.2x.rvertical.w570.jpg\" width=\"570\" height=\"712\"\/> <\/picture>\n          <\/div>\n<div class=\"lede-image-data\">\n<p>\n                  <span class=\"credit\">Illustration: Olivier Heiligens<\/span>\n              <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<p>\n    <iframe loading=\"lazy\" data-src=\"https:\/\/embed-player.newsoveraudio.com\/v5?key=Vb6ITy58Y6jd0iuG22F0UnS1XB9ZH4dV&amp;id=https:\/\/www.thecut.com\/_pages\/cmpeaoxuq000a0iheyi3uxsyr.html\" width=\"100%\" height=\"150\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"autoplay; clipboard-write *;\" allowfullscreen=\"true\" class=\"audio-embed-frame optanon-category-C0004\"><br \/>\n    <\/iframe>\n<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph_drop-cap\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeaoxxd000t0ihecfgda1qq@published\" data-word-count=\"102\">Not everyone with a phobia can pinpoint the exact moment when their phobia started, but in 36-year-old Kelly&#8217;s case, the cause is clear. When I was six years old, I came home from school to find that my pet bird had escaped from its cage. Kelly had a Barbie doll head that she could style her hair with, which she kept in its original packaging. In her bedroom, she discovers that the bird has gotten into the plastic box and is badly tangled in the doll&#8217;s hair, unable to free itself despite frantically flapping its wings. Kelly tried to intervene, but it was too late. She watched a strangled pet convulse and die.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeass8z003r3b7c5vevsymc@published\" data-word-count=\"140\">She has spent most of her life avoiding areas where birds live: beaches, outdoor cafes, and city sidewalks. &#8220;It&#8217;s especially embarrassing in front of clients or on a date. It&#8217;s awkward when a bird perches on the curb and you have to stop and wait for someone to shoo it away or walk to the other side of the street.&#8221; In her 20s, Kelly underwent a three-day exposure program with a therapist, where she &#8220;reflected on the context of my childhood and how I had felt about birds over the years,&#8221; she says. It becomes clear that what really scares her is the flapping of its wings, which mirrors the bird&#8217;s dying convulsions. On the third day, the therapist took her to a parrot sanctuary, where Kelly was able to hold and touch the birds and even let them sit on her shoulder. I felt like I won.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeassal003s3b7cqiuhj2oh@published\" data-word-count=\"85\">Many clinics and health care providers offer rapid exposure therapy programs as well, either week-long workshops or one intensive session. You&#8217;ve probably seen hundreds of ads on Reels and TikTok social media documenting self-directed exposures, like riding the tube on an empty stomach to deal with a fear of fainting, or busking and dancing robots to deal with social anxiety. There&#8217;s also a lot of clickbait about Nicole Kidman&#8217;s fear of butterflies, which she tried to overcome by visiting the Natural History Museum&#8217;s butterfly vivarium.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeassgi003t3b7cagqoirru@published\" data-word-count=\"122\">When performed with clinician assistance, ET is well known to have a high success rate, estimated to be up to 90%. But &#8220;success&#8221; in this context means feeling less fearful upon completion of the program, and this definition belies the difficult and little-known reality of ET. Its positive effects often fade over time. \u201cFear relapse,\u201d the clinical term for when a phobic patient relapses, occurs in as many as 62 percent of ET patients. Although few therapists understand and guide this truth, many patients gradually resolve their phobia over years rather than days or weeks, returning to treatment intermittently for the rest of their lives. Some people are so discouraged that they give up on ET altogether.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeassib003u3b7cey3ywk0f@published\" data-word-count=\"82\">Eventually, fear returned to Kelly. For a while after her triumphant trip to the parrot sanctuary, she passed pigeons on the sidewalk without paying attention to them. But she soon felt her old fears rising, and within a few months she was back to normal. She was in her 20s, living in a new city, and couldn&#8217;t afford a second treatment, she says. My frustration and disappointment was immeasurable, and I still avoid birds in my daily life.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeassm0003w3b7cdmm89kgg@published\" data-word-count=\"72\">A phobia is, in a sense, a set of expectations layered on top of a fear. This includes not only the fear itself, but also the fear of how it will make the patient feel. People with dog phobia may think this way. <em>If I saw a dog, I would panic and it would not be okay.<\/em> &#8220;We call this emotional forecasting,&#8221; says Matthew Free, co-founder of the Columbus OCD and Anxiety Clinic in Ohio.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeasso9003x3b7c3hu9s98e@published\" data-word-count=\"146\">The common understanding about ET is that patients can become accustomed to their phobic triggers through repeated encounters. But desensitizing yourself to fear isn&#8217;t really the goal, says Dr. Kevin Chapman, founder of the Kentucky Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders in Louisville. Exposure is intended to show the patient that even if he panics, he will overcome it and return to a sense of normalcy. &#8220;We want kids to feel anxious so their brains can learn that they can tolerate discomfort and that the feared outcome won&#8217;t happen,&#8221; Chapman says. Patients get nervous when they see a dog, and their anxiety eases as they know that their nervousness isn&#8217;t the end of the world. Rinse and repeat. This is a &#8220;suppression learning model,&#8221; in which the patient eventually learns the safety of the trigger thoroughly and suppresses fear.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeasssj003y3b7ci51ald89@published\" data-word-count=\"259\">Guiding patients with ET to avoid this outcome requires vigilance and nuance, and Dr. Chapman maintains that fear recurrence is often the result of poor clinical technique. For example, Kelly believes that the parrot on her shoulder did not flap its wings during exposure therapy, so the experience did not directly address her phobia. Patients should also be kept away from \u201csafety behaviors\u201d (activities that allow them to avoid the trigger) during exposure. And these behaviors can be subtle. When exposed, it may look like closing your eyes, hiding, or seeking reassurance. Outside of exposure, this might include trying not to think about the trigger (if you&#8217;re afraid of flying, you might try not to think about your next trip) or avoid feeling the same way you feel when you&#8217;re faced with the trigger (you&#8217;ll avoid coffee because you get irritated on a plane and coffee makes you feel irritated). They do a lot of checking (Google &#8220;plane safety&#8221; six times before they travel), bring along &#8220;safety aids&#8221; (put a charm in their carry-on luggage), and participate in rituals to prevent disaster (&#8220;I ordered ginger ale on the last flight and it was fine, so I have to order another ginger ale&#8221;). They numb themselves with alcohol or Xanax, or distract themselves with books or music. Such manipulations may provide immediate symptom relief, but in the long run they increase the likelihood of the phobia becoming more deeply ingrained, convincing the patient that the trigger is worth fearing and that safety behaviors have averted disaster.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeasssq003z3b7cqybf4hzd@published\" data-word-count=\"188\">A prerequisite for effective ET is that the patient must cooperate about the nature of the exposure. Holly, 47, underwent one intensive exposure session for her arachnophobia, which proved to be ineffective. &#8220;It was a wildlife park, and I was able to handle tarantulas and even put my toes on my fingertips, but I wasn&#8217;t brave enough to put them on my hands and let them walk around. It was too fast,&#8221; says Holly. Chapman says it&#8217;s important to vary the type of exposure. &#8220;Gradual exposure, where you come up with a hierarchy of fears and gradually start confronting each item in that hierarchy, is what most clinicians do,&#8221; he explains. If a patient is afraid of takeoff, he or she might first watch a video of a plane ascending (imaginary exposure), then try virtual reality to experience it more directly (simulated exposure), and then finally graduate from watching the plane take off at the airport before boarding the plane (in vivo exposure). Being forced to take on too many things, such as jumping on a puddle jumper in a rainstorm, can cause patients to shut down.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeasswl00403b7chp3g3la5@published\" data-word-count=\"88\">Another factor that predicts fear recurrence is how busy a patient&#8217;s life is, says Martin Antony, professor and chair of the psychology department at Toronto Metropolitan University. He says fear can suddenly return when a person experiences a stressful life event, such as a major change in location or job, or a death in the family. Phobias are also about twice as common in women as men, and some research suggests that recurrent fears are also more common in women.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeassxq00413b7c2b69d0nc@published\" data-word-count=\"146\">What makes return to fear less predictable than you might think is the length of treatment. It&#8217;s natural to think that short-term therapies, such as one-week courses or one-day workshops, are unlikely to produce lasting results. However, this is not always the case. Dr. Freeh described a study that focused on exposing people who were afraid of public speaking for just one day, and the researchers &#8220;examined what changes occurred so that people were less likely to have the fear again a month later.&#8221; They had a theory. If patients can not only learn to tolerate public speaking, but also completely change the way they think about public speaking, they will see long-term symptom relief. &#8220;That&#8217;s exactly what they found,&#8221; Free says. \u201cRather than just prioritizing it or gritting my teeth and holding it in, I was able to actually change the way I thought about public speaking itself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeassxy00423b7cvv5tttfe@published\" data-word-count=\"118\">This is why the nature of the phobia is important. Sometimes the speech goes well and the person with phobia is able to see public speaking in a different light. &#8220;But it&#8217;s hard to imagine someone who&#8217;s afraid of spiders or vomit changing their attitudes from negative to positive about those things,&#8221; Free says. Spiders are always creepy because they crawl. The vomit is always going to be awful. When there is a disgust-based trigger, such as germs, blood, or animals that carry disease, the phobia is two-fold: the core is disgust, and the disgust is layered on top of the fear of encountering it. &#8220;Research shows that when a phobia is closely related to aversion, it may take longer to treat,&#8221; Free says. It also makes fear more likely to reoccur.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeast0f00433b7c2nhhwizx@published\" data-word-count=\"71\">Carrie, 48, has experienced firsthand the difficulty of treating disgust-based phobias. \u201cI\u2019ve had it for as long as I can remember,\u201d she says of emetophobia, or the fear of vomiting. &#8220;One time, my stepfather was vomiting and had a panic attack. We were parked on the side of the road, and I curled up in a ball in front of your feet and covered my ears.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeast0h00443b7cbcf2u7hc@published\" data-word-count=\"92\">It was during her college years that she sought help. It was a time when the chances of vomiting at bars, parties, and spring break festivities were very high. But Carrie only survived exposure therapy once, when her therapist asked her to watch the worst possible vomiting scene in a movie. &#8220;She didn&#8217;t give me any tools,&#8221; Carey says. Carrie now has four children, but she sleeps in the guest room because she&#8217;s scared that if her kids get a stomach ache, one of them will come into her bedroom and tell her she threw up.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeast3g00463b7cnhmv6gvu@published\" data-word-count=\"138\">Exposure therapy experts say the prevalence of fear recurrence should not prevent people with phobias from trying treatment. Free said the 90 percent efficacy statistic exists because progress is important, even if temporary, because it shows patients that they have the power to move the needle. Free also says that returning to therapy after the fear returns is less demoralizing than you might think. &#8220;If people experience a relapse of fear a year, two years, or five years from now, there&#8217;s little need to start from scratch,&#8221; Free says. &#8220;We call this a booster session. Subsequent episodes of care are usually shorter because the patient has a better understanding of the condition and either has forgotten how to apply the skill or just doesn&#8217;t know how to apply it to a new situation.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeast4s00473b7c37z3cnkh@published\" data-word-count=\"208\">A few years ago, Eva was successfully treated for her fear of needles and is now having blood drawn without incident. She doesn&#8217;t remember being told that the fear might come back, but it took her three attempts to fully deal with it. &#8220;After a period of sessions, I would get better, but I never felt like I got there. I would come back in a few years and have another session,&#8221; she says. Exposure was staged, based on patient information, and well matched to the side of the needle that most elicits Ava: the moment the needle enters the vein. \u201cWe went from talking about blood tests to looking at tools and looking at videos online,\u201d she says. &#8220;And the last, last thing I did was go to the hospital and watch someone else get a blood test and get a blood test myself.&#8221; When she arrived, a stern but kind nurse had Ava draw blood from the nurse&#8217;s own arm. The two still keep in touch. &#8220;She was a soft, motherly figure, but also a strong woman, and she gave me strength,&#8221; Eva says. She now gets blood drawn regularly, something she hadn&#8217;t done after the first few rounds of ET.<\/p>\n<p class=\"clay-paragraph\" data-editable=\"text\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/clay-paragraph\/instances\/cmpeast5v00483b7c9u0tjmo3@published\" data-word-count=\"73\">That&#8217;s key, Free says, warning that it&#8217;s not just clinicians who must make careful efforts to prevent fears from recurring. &#8220;People who practice their skills perform much better,&#8221; he says. In other words, get treatment, get on a plane, donate blood, and keep holding spiders. Treatment is just the beginning. What makes the difference between freedom and fear is the life you live afterwards, the life you lead.<\/p>\n<aside data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/newsletter-flex-text\/instances\/cmpeaoxxe000u0ihew5khqjre@published\" class=\"newsletter-flex-text initially-hidden opacity-zero\" data-track-id=\"thecut\" data-track-type=\"newsletter-signup\">\n<div class=\"wrapper-style\">\n<div data-editable=\"settings\">\n<div class=\"text-form-wrapper\">\n<div class=\"text\">\n<h3 class=\"title\">Please keep in touch.<\/h3>\n<p>Get the Cut newsletter delivered daily<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<div class=\"terms-and-policy-wrapper initially-hidden\">\n<p>        <button class=\"terms-button\" role=\"button\">Vox Media, LLC Terms of Use and Privacy Notice<\/button><\/p>\n<p class=\"expanded-terms \" aria-hidden=\"true\">By sending email, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Notice and consent to receive email communications from us.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<section class=\"package-list\" data-uri=\"www.thecut.com\/_components\/package-list\/instances\/cmpeaoxxe000v0ihe3l7v6vdu@published\" data-track-type=\"article-list\">\n<p>        <span class=\"see-all-link-text\">See all<\/span><br \/>\n        <span class=\"svg-wrapper\"><br \/>\n          <svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" viewbox=\"0 0 7 12\"><path d=\"M.66 11.28L3.6 5.85.66.6l5.76 5.25z\" fill=\"#D0011B\" fill-rule=\"evenodd\"\/><\/svg><\/p>\n<p>        <\/span><\/p>\n<\/section><\/div>\n<p>#overcome #fear<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Illustration: Olivier Heiligens Not everyone with a phobia can pinpoint the exact moment when their phobia started, but in 36-year-old Kelly&#8217;s case, the cause is clear. When I was six years old, I came home from school to find that my pet bird had escaped from its cage. Kelly had a Barbie doll head that &#8230; <a title=\"What should I do if I can&#8217;t overcome my fear?\" class=\"read-more\" href=\"https:\/\/drouki.com\/?p=899\" aria-label=\"Read more about What should I do if I can&#8217;t overcome my fear?\">Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":900,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2271,807,2268,2270,980,173,2265,2272,576,2269,2267,2266,916,2264],"class_list":["post-899","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-audio-article","tag-body","tag-emetophobia","tag-exposure-therapy","tag-fear","tag-health","tag-medicine","tag-overcome","tag-pain","tag-person-with-hygiene-disorder","tag-phobia","tag-self","tag-wellness","tag-where-does-it-hurt"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/899","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=899"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/899\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/900"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=899"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=899"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/drouki.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=899"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}