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Welcome to Ask a Sex Therapist in Cleveland. Want to ask Matt a question that might be covered in a future column? Click here. Now, this week’s main topic.<\/em><\/p>\n Hi Matt. I recently spied on my girlfriend’s phone and found her complaining about me to her friends. I don’t know what to do. I’m angry and want to confront her, but I know she’ll be angry at me. <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Oh, that’s the worst. It’s always an uncomfortable feeling when you learn something you’re not supposed to know. But I often wonder why people snoop. I mean, I get it. People are interested in something for various reasons and want to confirm or deny their suspicions. But that’s too short-sighted. You forget the hurt and pain that comes with this act. For you, the wound seems to be twofold. On the one hand, you discovered something that made you angry and perhaps caused some embarrassment. On the other hand, you know you have crossed a line to get that information, so you are put in a difficult position if you try to take it away. That tension alone is enough to make anyone feel stuck.<\/p>\n Before I get into what she said, I’m curious as to why you snooped in the first place. Most people don’t just randomly browse their partner’s phone with nothing underneath it. Was your anxiety already rising? Has there been a history of trust issues in the relationship? Has she ever done something that made you question your trust in her? The context is important. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t make voyeurism OK, but it does help explain why your nervous system felt the need to go looking for something. If there are already cracks in the foundation, then at that moment it is not a problem with the phone, but with something that has been under the surface for some time.<\/p>\n This is probably the part where you’ll land a little rough, so buckle up. Most people complain about their partner to their friends. Everyone does it in some way, women and men. I’m always complaining about my fianc\u00e9 (I love you, baby!). That space with friends is often a private world where people can vent and say things with a little less filter than they would say directly to their partner. This doesn’t mean they hate you. This means your partner has a private world all her own, and there’s a big difference between privacy and secrecy. A secret is hiding something that fundamentally affects a relationship. Privacy is about having space to be human, fretful, and consider thoughts out loud without quickly escalating into conflict. Unless you know exactly what she said, there’s a good chance that what you find falls into the category of venting rather than betrayal. That doesn’t mean it feels good to read. That means the intention behind it may not be what your brain is telling you right now.<\/p>\n At the same time, your reaction is still valid. It can be heartbreaking to read your partner talking about you in ways you never intended to hear. And I’m angry too. You may wonder how your partner sees you and whether there is something unspoken about your relationship. What often gets lost in moments like this is that you’re only seeing a small part of the picture (usually the negative) and not the full range of positive and loving things the other person might share about you. The challenge here is that how you bring this up will determine whether this becomes a productive conversation or an outburst that goes nowhere. If you get furious and confront her about what she said, the conversation will almost certainly shift to the fact that you used her phone, and honestly, that’s fair. Trust is hard to build and incredibly easy to break. And now you are the one who broke that trust. So if you want a chance to get into a deeper conversation, you need to lead it.<\/p>\n So where do you start? Well, we have to start by taking direct responsibility for what you’ve done. “I wanted to talk to you about something and I just wanted to be honest that I crossed a line. I checked your phone and I know it broke your trust. I’m so sorry. I want to talk about why I did it and what I saw, because it was very interesting to me.” You’re not excusing it, you’re owning it. Explanation is important in situations like this. Listen, this is probably uncomfortable and she may be upset, but it’s the only way to create space for an honest conversation rather than a defensive confrontation.<\/p>\n From there, you will likely need to make some amends. That may look like answering her questions, being transparent about what you’ve done, and taking responsibility without immediately shifting the focus back to her. This tends to be a challenge for many people. If you can plant your roots there, the conversation is more likely to end up being about what you read and how it affected you. While this may be uncomfortable, there may also be opportunities here. Whatever she reveals, whether it’s about sex, emotional connection, communication, or something else entirely, it provides a window into parts of the relationship that are never directly discussed. If it’s about sex, it can open up conversations about needs, desires, and frustrations that were previously difficult to express. <\/p>\n This whole situation highlights something important. Trust is fragile. Repairing it requires both people to be present, take responsibility for it if it’s theirs, and stay in the discomfort long enough to actually overcome it. Remember that relationships are messy and there are many moments like this where things collide in overwhelming ways. It takes effort and a willingness to have the conversations that most people would rather avoid. It doesn’t have to be something that will break you, if you can lean into it instead of distancing yourself from each other. Even if it starts from a really uncomfortable place, it can be a moment that pushes you to a deeper level of honesty and connection.<\/p>\n Matt Luckman is a certified professional clinical counselor and supervisor, AASECT certified sex therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When she’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, she can be found enjoying a cold beer at Gypsy Beans, sipping cocktails at Luxe, or relaxing on the couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask your own questions here.<\/em><\/p>\n Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Every individual’s situation is different, and the insights provided here may not address the complexities of your particular situation. If you are experiencing any issues related to mental health, relationships, or sexuality, we strongly encourage you to seek individual support from a qualified therapist or mental health professional. you are not alone. I need help.<\/em><\/p>\n Subscribe to the Cleveland Scene Newsletter.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Follow us: Apple News | Google News | Newsbreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter<\/a> |Or sign up for our RSS feed<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\nrelated<\/em><\/h3>\n<\/p><\/div>\n